In this video, I talk a little about how rheumatoid arthritis started and evolved in my body over the years. It started when I was about 3 years old and aggressively expanded throughout my entire body.

This illness is probably the most invasive and the one that costs me the most in my everyday life, because of everything that it involves.

Something that I did not mention in the video but that I had to go through as well were cortisone injections in my joints. Most were done when I was put to sleep but some were horribly painful, even if I was "drugged" for the intervention, I felt those needles...

Between the ages of 3 and probably 12, my body suffered severe deformities and joint destruction. This illness was vicious. And it was almost impossible to stop its destructive process.

The physical battles were and still are very real, even today. Being small in size with physical deformities make my everyday reality a serious challenge, such as my hands for example that aren’t very strong and make things often more complicated for me. I need help for a lot of different practical things and yet, am capable of doing a lot on my own too.

Physical pain is also still a daily reality for me as well but varies in intensity and location … even just last week, I had strong pain in my hands which makes it complicated to function…

I often finish my days very very tired and drained because of the whole sickness and pain, and rest is a daily necessity. Some days are easier than others, and I can only go 1 day at a time and try to advance in my life’s plans as good as I can.

Emotionally and psychologically, my biggest battles were and still are summarized in things that are linked to Performance, productivity and Image.

The first battle is linked to all the things I couldn’t or cannot do, due my physical limitations. And linked to this are all the things that I can or cannot give to satisfy desires, expectations or requirements both from/for myself and from/for others too. Frustration and discouragement are beautiful responses to these aspects. "My mind is brilliant but my body is a cage, can anyone see Me?"

The second biggest battle is that I had to, and still have to position myself today against feeling diminished and never enough for the world around me; I am a woman who has a handicap, thus, I bear an undesirable image in a world and society that loves “perfectness of beauty”. My body creates discomfort and embarrassment in other people. People stare at me so much, too... Sometimes, it's hard not to feel like trash. Sometimes, it's hard not to just want to hide away.

These things are serious humility lessons, I dare say.

And lastly, I felt like I belonged nowhere and didn’t fit in anywhere either, and I still do today at times.

The battles linked to self-esteem and worth because of my body and what it projected and created for reactions around me were and still are at some moments tiring and discouraging. Some reactions were humiliating… Trying to be enough in response to all of this was a waste of energy and a big source of emotional pain, too.

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I can’t change what I look like. So I chose to believe and trust God and the people who really love me.

So, there is hope! Here are some of the things that help me deal with all of this :

• One thing is taking care of this body as good as I can and try to maintain and even improve what can be, through physical exercise, food, physiotherapy, treatments, REST (Yes!)….without making it an obsession either. I had to find my balance in this.

• Another thing that helps are peoples’ kindness and patience. There are many people around me who are kind and willing to help, listen, willing to give me a chance, encourage and honestly desire to know me for WHO I really am, beyond my broken image and body; beyond what I can or cannot do, can or cannot give.

• My attitude to all these things also determines a lot of the outcome of some situations. This is probably a hard truth to accept, but I promise that my heart and the way I choose to react in the face of many hard situations plays an important role… BUT, God helps us in this matter. He is the one that protects my heart and teaches it to stay kind. I can’t do this on my own, but I do have to make that choice…

• There also is another thing that helps me to cope with “performance and productivity complexes” is asking myself:” What do I have in my hands?”. Or in other words, what are the gifts, strengths and talents or tools in my tool box that God has given me especially? And what can I do with them to better serve and Love God and others, without denying my weaknesses and limitations. This takes comparison away and helps me move forward in what I know I can do.

• Obviously, Another thing that helps me more than anything is my family’s support and love (My Friends too). I know this isn’t the case for many, so I particularly measure the weight of this blessing God surrounded me with.

• And lastly but most importantly, my worth and beauty (in and out) are defined by the one I believe in, Jesus-Christ. If God himself gave His life for me and continues to pursue me with a “jealous” love, then that means that I’m worth absolutely everything to Him. I can tell you, that kind of love changes your whole life…if we let it. It gave, and still gives me the strength to place my focus on the right person. God isn't afraid or ashamed of my body. His love does not depend on my Performance, productivity and Image. He just loves me =)

I will speak about God’s Love in another video, so stay tuned! ;)

The truth about God’s love gives me the courage to get back up each day and continue to build no matter how hard things are or how slow I am.

It gives me the courage to dream and be creative to deal with some practical realities and dare ask for help and do things differently than the majority; to not feel diminished because of this or because of what I cannot be or give like others could.

It gives me the courage to forgive and forget the clumsiness, selfishness and coldness of some people’s reaction towards me, or their rejectition, and release them to God’s care; to give them grace and keep a kind heart. After all, I too must learn how to deal with all this!

God gives me the courage to live, every new day. And He gives a purpose to everything I go through…He is a very present, Good and Gracious Father who through it all has always been there in the midst of everything.

God, through this physical disability and all that it involves broke the chains and burdens of trends and influences of the world off of me to give me freedom and peace instead; a peace to just be.

I hope this can help and encourage you. This is my story and I know others will need other things too to deal with some hard situations …. and that is Ok.

We’re all on our way.

Be blessed,

Mel