Bitterness

This ugly painful poison…

This video was hard for me to make because first of all, no one likes to expose the dark sides we’ve been through or that we are still going through. But it was also difficult for me re plunge myself in something God worked on and healed so much of. So thank you for your grace as I try to dive back into it in a little insecure way =0)

The Triggers

So I described a few specific situations in the video that can cause and develop Bitterness in us and I would just like to go a little further into their description:

Traumatic events are probably the only door that can open our heart to this poison. It leaves a hole, a wound, a mark deep within us that can allow bitterness to take root and incubate through offense, shame, anger, pain and so on…

Here are the main ones I can think of in light of my own story:

Humiliation: This one is probably the biggest one. It’s our entire integrity and dignity and intimacy and Trust that’s abused and destroyed or attacked. Either by others, or even situations that expose us or our own “wrongness”. It mostly happens in plain sight where there’s NO way to hide away from public view, and so, others are generally witnesses of this incident. It’s not always the case as some traumatic events can occur in private, but these events usually have the same root of hurt as the public ones.

Betrayal: To me betrayal belongs in the “Humiliation” section, but this hurt is a bit of a specific topic to itself, at least for me. I don’t think anything else can hurt as much as being betrayed, abandoned, abused by trusted and loved people in our lives. It is our very trust and sense of security, our Love investment, our devotion, our vulnerability, our intimacy, our worth and everything that we are and gave, that can be dismantled in 1 second. This often happens out of the blue, when nothing points to its occurrence. This leaves us stripped of everything, literally.

Injustice/unfairness: I guess we all, at some point, were the object of false rumors, false accusations, or victims of things we didn’t see coming nor asked for, like I often felt in my situation with all the pain and illnesses and the stuff that comes with a chronic disease.  “What on earth did I do to deserve this?!” or “What did I do wrong?!” or even “What’s wrong with me?”, are probably the best questions to illustrate my point for this section.

My Battle

All in all, these situations all point to the same things: I was hurt, abandoned, abused, betrayed and etc (pain) in a place I was vulnerable and SHAME was both the weapon and the end result, or the fruit I tasted…

In my story, I believe that bitterness entered through the 3 doors I just described. I was confronted to intense physical pain since baby, to separation at a young age from my family which was traumatic every time I landed in the hospitals because of the illness, and grew up feeling like God didn’t care about me nor my needs and felt abandoned by Him in the middle of my hell and my fears. Obviously with time, going through the different stages of life, from child to teenager, to young adult, to older adult, these issues played out differently at every stage and developed a fertile ground for Bitterness to thrive. But bitterness was at its peak when I was the most in pain, every time, either physical or mental and emotional. Seeing others have a great life, exempt of all the realities I had to face every day without a choice or a means of escaping made it 100000 times worse. And honestly, in these moments, suicidal thoughts became very attractive…Because, bitterness is totally infused with horrible emotional/mental/physical pain yes, but despair, loneliness, hopelessness, shame, anger, a desire for vengeance, and an aggressive need to protect one’s self at all cost, are also its companions and honestly, it drains you.

Dysfunctions

We can understand how dysfunctional behaviors grow in such an emotional state. I spoke about victimization, spitting poison out of our mouths about others such as judging them, accusing them or belittling them, manipulating other’s perception on things and of people and controlling outcomes and opinions. All of these “coping” mechanisms are clearly dysfunctional, even if often times legitimate. They’re driven by all of the powerful emotions I described above in an attempt to protect our dignity and relieve our pain. A need for revenge is also often a powerful drive induced by the anger we feel…

In my story, at some point, by God’s amazing grace, this one question came to my heart: “Is this the kind of person you want to be?”.  And I’ll add the next one that came after that: “Does everything that I have been through really justify my attitude?...”

The Remedy

I believe that the only remedy to such a damaged heart are God’s love and grace. It is almost impossible to confront a person who is stuck in bitterness because you will always become a villain if you dare question or confront the person’s attitude. At least, it was the case for me, so… =0)
This is a path that only the individual has to choose to walk out of, humble enough to recognize that feeding these attitudes is wrong. This doesn’t mean the wrong or the pain didn’t happen to us, or try to shrink the hurt we went through, but it is deciding to heal and not letting this thing get the best of us. This is a hard decision to make, because it involves letting go of all our coping mechanisms and our desire for vindication and confronting ourselves. And the longer we stay in this situation, the longer we practice our mastery of the dysfunctional attitudes and the more the outcome can become shameful because we become exposed.

One hard reality about bitterness also is the fact that we lose sight of God’s Love for us. And, the absence of His Love makes all of this worse. I think we can understand why…Bitterness is a lonely place.

The strategy

This is the uncomfortable part, but stay with me =0)
First of all, we need to be honest with ourselves and recognize our wrongness. The second step is to repent: to decide this is it, stop indulging in our bad behavior and confess. Yes, confess to Jesus and very trusted friends for accountability. This is a crucial part. After this comes a hard decision, we need to choose, beyond our emotional state: Forgiveness. Letting go of the person’s throat and entrusting them to God, as we choose healing for ourselves. Honestly, it was really my Ego (and my dignity) that was threatened by deciding to do all this. But I knew this was the right path.

The healing journey will look different for each person.

For me personally, I had the grace of tasting God’s love and His forgiveness and Grace in my bitterness. Who He is healed my heart. Letting ourselves receive and be loved by God and others is hard in the beginning, because we have to learn to be loved in our ugly and our biggest weakness and deepest shame. But it is THE medicine that works wonders.

I would also encourage you to write. Write down what happened, what you feel, what you would like to change or what should happen. Writing is therapeutic beyond measure because I believe it’s a form of processing and evacuating what was done to us and what it meant to us.

And lastly, don’t isolate! Stay connected to Jesus first and to trusted loving and mature friends and family. God is never ashamed of us, and His love is extraordinary…especially in our greatest weaknesses.

Be truly blessed and take heart,

Love you all,

Mel

Here is some Bible power to remember and pray 😉

“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. Isaiah 54:4 NIV

Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalms 34:5 NIV

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1 NIV

Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours. Isaiah 61:7 NIV

If you want to hear about what I have to say about Jesus, click here and meet me there =0)